haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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