just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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