So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
