I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
