Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
