I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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