Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
