I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
