My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
