I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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