what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
