god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
