remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
