O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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