her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
