I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
