remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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