just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
