A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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