Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
