thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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