I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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