My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
