I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
