Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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