I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
