Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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