I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
