I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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