What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
