apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
