u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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