4 words: hood of his car
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
