The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
