Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
