I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
