I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
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Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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