his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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