My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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