you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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