Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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