So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
