I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
