i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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