Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
