My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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