Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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