I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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