what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
