ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
