I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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