A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
