I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
