p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
