i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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