you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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