as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
