Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
