census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
